| Social Studies homework |
| Written by Bridie O'Donnell |
| Sunday, 08 April 2012 22:55 |
|
"What is the purpose of your visit to the United States?" "What is the purpose of your visit to the United States?"
"Just here to ride my bike," I reply chirpily, free of any the guilt associated with being a known terrorists, smuggling contraband or possessing the desire to overthrow the government. "For 90 days?" Hank, his taser and his semi-automatic all give me the hairy eyeball. "Well, not in a row. There maybe some days off here and there." No response. Suddenly I feel totally guilty. I've been awake for 20 hours, I haven't showered and the 90 minute queue in immigration forced me to suppress all my impulses to shout 'oh for f*ck's sake, could you not open more than 3 retinal scanners for 500 passengers?'
"And may I see a copy of your return ticket to Australia?"
Crap. Now I am guilty. So I make a really, really dumb decision and decide to tell the truth.
"Oh, I don't have one yet, it really all depends on how the next 3 months turn out, you know, with the bike riding and all..."
More silence.
Then Hank says "I don't believe you. Go stand over there," and points to the naughty corner where other bad kids get sent to think about what they've done and come up with a better answer. Trouble is, if my parents sent me to my room and told me to come out when I was sorry, I never did! Ha, that showed 'em, I didn't need dinner, I didn't need basic essentials, I'd hole up in there til they'd forgotten & then saunter out all victorious, hours (or days) later.
Something tells me Hank is not that kind of Daddy-o.
So I stand, wait, get tireder and less diplomatic and begin contemplating options of who to call and whether Team Vanderkitten-Focus has a Felons Support Program to help boost the standard of cycling in California's prisons.
Some calm contemplating later (and another 30 passengers' eyeballs scanned and fingerprints put into the magic library), I wake up from my stupor and realise I could show him an e-ticket that puts me back at LAX within 90 days of my today. That, and my Jedi mind trick, and I'm through! Hank gives me one more look that could cut through to your evil core, then flips a switch. He shows me two rows of perfectly white, capped choppers that form the lower half of what he must call his 'friendly assassin face' and booms "WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, HAVE A NICE DAY," ceremoniously pummelling my passport with his fist.
What a contrast to my previous arrivals at Milan Malpensa: handsome jodhpur-wearing caribinieri comparing photos of their girlfriends or complaining about how Mamma irons their uniforms; barely noticing the arrival of passengers and NEVER ONCE (in my five forays into Italy) checked my passport. Now that I've been here in the U. S. of A. for over a fortnight, I can start my social studies assignment entitled, "Important cultural differences between Northern Italy and Northern California" with greater authority. Suggestions welcomed....
Nord Italia NorCal Settled 2nd millennium BC 8th to 5th millennium BC (Gold rush brought the boom of the late 19thC)
Population 10 million 7.5 million Language Lombard/Italiano Relaxed, friendly Americano w a BIG smile Spring/summer Humid, plenty of rain Incredibly temperate, very few rainy days Anywhere from 10-30º I am yet to understand the ºF to ºC translation
Iconic bloke Berlusconi Clint Eastwood
Famous for Fashion (good & bad) Silicon Valley: Apple, ebay, Google, HP, Yahoo Industry Wine: Napa Valley, Sonoma Tiny, poorly maintained roads Enormous, convoluted highway system
Big city Milano San Francisco Sport Football – Inter, Juventus Ice hockey – San Jose Sharks
Lakes Varese, Como, Maggiore We’ve got the Bay, baby Cars 20% Fiat panda, 100% black 68% monster trucks/regular trucks/pick-ups Thousands of 50cc motos 30% Prius, 2% vintage Porsche* * all statistics are completely fabricated but highly likely
Coffee Espresso €1 $3 grande lattes, poured into a huge T/A cup Drink standing up at the bar Fits neatly into the cup holder in your SUV (don’t get me started on the ridiculous contrast here, it’s quite depressing)
Breakfast 2 cigarettes, another espresso Gluten free granola + soy milk Maybe a hi fat, hi sugar brioche
Popular food Pizza, pasta, polenta Mexican, anything w fresh produce
Rider demographic 98% men, aged 30-80 A huge spectrum, LOTS more women Ex-pros, pros, future pros Very fit motivated, cheery self employed types
Bikes Pinarello, Pinarello, Pinarello 75% Specialized (rest are Trek, Cervélo, Cannondale, tandems)
Fashion What you wore when you raced, so Some club/bike shop gear. Ability supersede the desire to look good! that might mean garish fluoro Lots of pro-team kit Lots of Team Webcor!
Café chit chat ‘ciao bella, you ride? Do you ‘oh WOW you’re a BIKER? That’s AWESOME!' climb or sprint? What’s your best time up the Cuvignone? Maybe if you lose 2kg you climb faster, no?’ Riding chit chat See above ‘Do you race? Yeah I just ride when I can’ (while half-wheeling)
Climbs Brinzio, Cuvignone. Old La Honda, Kings, Tunitas, Hwy 9, Page Mill Rd Arcumeggio Not a lot of flat road in San Mateo County! Races Trofeo Alfredo Binda Tour of California Giro di Lombardia
Riders to stalk Oscar Freire, Ivan Basso. Levi Leipheimer (if you can keep up) Nicolas Roche, GreenEdge. 'Retired’ women like Katheryn Curi-Mattis, Karen Brems & Linda Jackson who will still kick your arse
Granted, there is more research to be done before I can turn this into a fully-fledged PhD. But I'm thinking of applying to Stanford or Berkeley. WELL YOU HAVE A NICE DAY NOW!! |